


The world forgetting, by the world forgot

by ThumbsUp



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThumbsUp/pseuds/ThumbsUp
Summary: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AUSometimes it is easier to forget. (I promise a happy ending.)





	1. Chapter 1

_“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!_

_The world forgetting, by the world forgot._

_Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!_

_Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd”_

 

 

Carmilla watched as the landscape outside the train window meandered past. The last time she remembered making the journey from Toronto to Wasaga Beach was the summer after her graduation from high school, after life as she knew it had ended. She went with her long time crush, a girl from her English class who laughed softly but ultimately crashed through life recklessly without much thought to the consequences. The girl didn’t care when Carmilla kissed her, and she didn’t care when she stopped. They lost touch when they went off to school, and Carmilla counted her on a list of things that only mattered because they ended. Also on this list were her favorite books, her schooling, and every relationship and one night stand she had ever had.

 

That summer, Carmilla had forgotten her sunglasses and bought a cheap pair for ten dollars, so the memories afterwards are tinted sepia. Still, she doesn’t think she would recognize the landscape outside anyway. The snow coating the ground dulls the features, leaving it softer. Almost as soon as Carmilla tears her eyes away from the window to refocus on her reading, she hears a voice.

 

“Hell is other people.”

 

Carmilla looks up, and arches her eyebrow at the owner of the voice.

 

“Jean-Paul Sartre, right? Your book? _No Exit_. Sorry to bother you. Do you mind if I sit here?”

 

A young woman quickly plops down next to Carmilla without waiting for an answer. Carmilla is still unsure how to respond, considering there is no reason for the woman to sit next to her. The train is otherwise empty.

 

“My name is Laura,” the woman said, sticking out her gloved hand.

  
Carmilla continues to stare at her, making no move to take Laura’s hand.

 

“Geez, I think you are taking Sartre a little too seriously. Though you do seem like the type, you know.”

 

Carmilla smirks at her, and says, “Cupcake, how could you possibly know what type I am?”

 

Laura, having held her hand out long past the socially acceptable amount of time, places it in her lap. Though she is not typically lacking confidence, she suddenly feels self-conscious.

 

“I dunno. You have an air of broodiness. Of mystery, maybe? You just seem like someone who believes being around people is actually torturous.”

 

Carmilla cannot help but roll her eyes.

 

“That is exactly what Sartre means when he says that. It is people’s expectations of who we are and how we are supposed to act that imprisons us,” Carmilla states.

 

Laura grins, “Yeah, no, I’m definitely right about you.”

 

Carmilla huffs, but a small smile tugs at her lips.

 

“If I am wrong, then why don’t you let me get to know you?”

 

“I’m Carmilla, sweetheart.”

 

Laura smiles widely, already feeling much more like striking up a conversation with a stranger was not a horrible mistake.

 

===================================================

One Month Earlier

 

Laura wakes up from the depths of sleep slowly, like an anchor being dragged to the surface. For a brief moment in this twilight of consciousness, she doesn’t feel anything. Soon, however, everything crashes down on her. The empty apartment, the cold bed, the aches in her muscles, and the weight on her chest that makes it feel like it is hard to breath. In an instant, Laura remembers that Carmilla is gone.

 

She drags herself out of bed, throwing on an outfit that she had left in a pile on the other side of her bed. Normally, Laura may have allowed herself to wallow for a little while longer, but today the fires of indignation were lit in the very core of her being. Despite the rain, she hops onto her bike and races to her friend’s apartment across town. Laura has barely made it through the door when she starts ranting.

  
“It is just so…” Laura bites her lip, pacing the floor as she tries to think of an accurate descriptor.

 

“Fucked up?” Danny offers.

 

“Yeah! I mean, I went to the bookstore to try and make things right, you know? And she acts like she doesn’t even know me. She didn’t even acknowledge me, Danny.”

“Yeah. So weird.”

 

Laura’s eyes snap up to meet Danny’s. Danny is sitting on a stool, distractedly rubbing the back of her neck.

 

“I know you and Carmilla had your differences, but you aren’t taking this news the way I expected,” Laura said, her eyebrows knitting together.

 

“I mean, it isn’t entirely out of character for her. She could tend to be quite vindictive. Maybe she is just teaching you a lesson?” Danny says, not looking at Laura.

 

“Tell me what you know.”

 

“Laura…”

 

“Please, Danny, you have to tell me. It is killing me.” Laura has stopped pacing now, and has placed her hands on Danny’s lap in an effort to get her to meet her gaze.

  
Danny stands suddenly, and crosses the living room to her desk. She opens to drawer and hands Laura a piece of paper, no bigger than a business card.

 

It says:

 

Dear Danny Lawrence,

  
Carmilla Karnstein has had Laura Hollis erased from her memory. Please never mention their relationship to her again.

 

Thank you.

  
Corvae, Inc.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The Corvae offices occupy a narrow space, nestled inconspicuously between a Laundromat and a convenience store. The only feature that announces their presence is a small sign that says, “Corvae Incorporated. Memory Management, Toronto.” In fact, if Laura had been paying more attention, she would have certainly commented on the fact that the waiting room looked uncannily like her dentist’s office. However, presently, Laura was more concerned with shoving Danny’s card into the face of the receptionist.

 

“Oh dear, I sincerely apologize for this, Ms. Hollis. You aren’t supposed to have seen this.”

 

“I don’t care about that. I just want to know what the holy hell all of this is!” Laura had become exasperated with the red head’s fretting. She had recently taken on the opinion that apologizes are worth nothing, and as a result, had no more patience for them.

 

“Let me get Dr. Vordenburg. I think it is best if he explains it to you,” the receptionist said. As she scurries away, Laura vaguely takes note of the impeccably clean desk, and the placard that says, “Lola Perry, reception.”

 

Soon, a seemingly ancient old man appeared and smiled warmly at her. He was wearing a white coat that was pristine except for a strawberry jelly stain near the lapel.

 

“Ms. Hollis? Lola tells me that you have some questions. Come with me.”

 

Dr. Vordenburg leads Laura through a wood-paneled hallway. Most of the doors to the exam rooms are closed, but as they pass Laura sees one empty room that houses a large leather chair. Attached to the top the chair is what looks like a stainless steel colander connected to a computer console via thick wires. They finally reach a small office, where Dr. Vordenburg takes a seat behind the desk. Laura sits in the chair across from him, and immediately begins to bounce her leg nervously.

 

“So, Ms. Hollis, it sounds like you are wondering what we do around here. Over the course of one’s lifetime, we accumulate painful memories. Memories of deceased love ones, of beloved pets. Of failed relationships," Vordenburg pauses and looks at Laura pointedly.

 

"This is a simple fact of life. Fortunately…” Vordenburg leans forward, clearly gearing up for the reveal, “…we don’t have to live with them!”

 

“So, you erase memories? That seems…”

 

“Amazing? Stupendous? Miraculous?”

 

“Um…morally ambiguous at best,” Laura decides.

  
If Laura’s conclusion deflates Vordenburg’s enthusiasm at all, he doesn’t show it.

  
“I just don’t understand why Carm would do that. That doesn’t seem like something she would want.”

 

“Well, our files are confidential, so I can’t share with you any evidence or details, but suffices to say, Ms. Karnstein was not happy, and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility.”

 

Dr. Vordenburg’s words crash into Laura like a tidal wave, and she instantly feels tears begin to appear in the corner of her eyes.

 

Laura takes a shaky breath and says, “Okay. Okay, I get it. I want that too then.”

 ===============================================

Present Day

 

Using the railing as a shoving off point, Carmilla gently rocks in the deck chair. She gazes upward at the sky, absent-mindedly swirling the red wine in her mug. The city lights almost completely obscure the stars’ light, but Carmilla likes to look anyway. Just the idea that they are somewhere overhead comforts her.

 

“You’ll catch your death out here, kitty cat.”

 

Carmilla barely looks at the sliding door as Mattie comes out onto the patio and takes a seat next to her.

 

“Any particular reason you are risking frostbite to sit out here?” Mattie asks.

 

“Just looking at the stars.”

 

Mattie tries and analyzes her sister’s face to determine the answer to all of the questions she has, but Carmilla’s expression reveals nothing.

 

“At the risk of sounding like a caring older sister, are you okay? You’re acting even more sullen than usual.”

 

“Trust me, there is no risk of anyone thinking that you are sympathetic,” Carmilla says.

 

Mattie rolls her eyes, but says nothing else, letting the question hang there between them.

 

“I don’t know,” Carmilla starts, “Have you ever felt like you are missing something important?”

 

Mattie shifts in her chair, uncrossing her legs and then re-crossing them the other way. Instead of answering Carmilla’s question, she asks instead, “Millie, would you ever erase painful memories?”

 

The concept of erasing memories gives Carmilla an unpleasant sensation that she has been experiencing more and more frequently. If forced to describe it, she would say that it feels like when you walk into another room and forget why you are there, or when you want to say a word that you just can’t recall. The part of this sensation that was disconcerting to Carmilla was that she would feel this way seemingly at random. She would hear phrases on TV or on the radio and swear she has heard them before in another context. She would see objects in her apartment and feel like there was something about them she just can’t place.

 

“I suppose there have been times I have wanted to erase memories. I wouldn’t mind losing ones of Maman or our childhood,” Carmilla says.

 

Mattie nods in grim agreement.

 

“But, ultimately, I think I would only want to get rid of memories if I had lost something that I just couldn’t live without,” Carmilla nods, as if confirming her opinion to herself, “I would want to lose my memories if living with knowing what I had lost was unbearable.”

Mattie, her suspicions confirmed, gives a light squeeze to Carmilla’s thigh as she stands to leave.

 

“I think you need a trip to the beach, sis.”


	3. Chapter 3

The process of untangling the remnants of a life together was more difficult than Laura had anticipated. After she left Dr. Vordenburg’s office, she immediately scheduled an appointment for the procedure. The earliest available time was three weeks away (“Valentine’s Day is always a busy time for us here!” Perry had explained.) In the mean time, Laura was instructed to collect every picture, gift, and memento from the year she and Carmilla had spent together. This task was proving to be challenging because Laura would frequently pause and reminiscence and then debate with herself about keeping the item.

 

“I can’t get rid of this,” She said, looking at snapshot from a friend’s wedding. The picture featured Carmilla kissing Laura’s cheek. That night they had snuck away from the party to the rooftop, stealing a bottle champagne from the open bar. They drank it while they stargazed.

 

“Show me what constellations you know,” Laura had asked that night as they lay on the roof.

 

“I don’t know any constellations,” Carmilla said.

  
“Oh please. You’re telling me you never learned a single constellation in order to get into a girl’s pants?”

  
Carmilla rolled over onto her side, throwing an arm over Laura’s stomach. She lifted Laura’s chin and kissed her slowly, and then grinned as she pulled away.

  
“Cupcake, I never had to try that hard.”

 

Ultimately, Laura threw the picture into one of two large garbage bags she had collected. Every time she thought about keeping something, she reminded herself that Carmilla had gone through the same process and had thrown away every reminder of Laura out too. This thought pushed her enough to get through her task, but with each item Laura threw away, she felt more burdened instead of more free.

 

As a journalist for the Toronto Star newspaper, Laura has several journals that she kept for article ideas. She tried to salvage some of the pages that might make for interesting pieces, but she had to scrap most of them because the pages were seeped with references to Carmilla and their days together.

 

“No wonder this is so hard,” Laura had commented aloud to herself as she palmed a mug that Carmilla had given her for her birthday, “She was so entrenched in my life.”

 

Finally, mercifully, the day of Laura’s appointment arrived. She dragged her garbage bags into the Corvae offices. She awkwardly maneuvered herself and the bags so that she could sit in the only available seat. A crying older woman clutching a box full of dog toys sat on Laura’s left side, while a young man in combat fatigues sat on her right.

 

“Ms. Hollis? We can head back now,” Dr. Vordenburg called.

 

Laura un-wedged herself from between the two other waiting patients and followed Dr. Vordenburg through the same hallway as before. As they passed by an occupied procedure room, Vordenburg waved to someone within the room wearing a lab coat.

 

“This is Susan, our memory technician. She will be taking care of you this evening.”

 

“You can call me LaFontaine. Nice to meet you, Ms. Hollis!” They said.

 

Laura waved and smiled weakly, already feeling a little nauseous. She and the doctor weaved through the halls until they finally reached Vordenburg’s office. Vordenburg placed a voice recording device in between them, pushed the record button, and leaned back in his chair

 

“Do you mind telling me the reason for today’s visit?”

 

Laura cleared her throat, and moved closer to the device.

  
“My name is Laura Hollis, and I am here to erase Carmilla Karnstein.”

 

“Why don’t you tell me more about Carmilla?” Vordenburg prompted.

 

Laura huffed out a small laugh. “Where to begin? Well, we met through mutual friends at a party at Wasaga Beach. I definitely can’t say it was love at first sight, but there was an immediate…connection maybe? Passion? I don’t know.”

 

For the next thirty minutes, Laura rambled on with little prompting from Vordenburg about her relationship with Carmilla. Afterwards, they moved to an exam room, where Laura sat into the giant leather chair she had seen earlier. LaFontaine placed a small, white electrode on either side of her forehead. They then placed the stainless steel helmet over her head. The contraption reminded Laura of the dryers that they used at hair salons, but it radiated coolness instead of warmth. Laura immediately felt her palms begin to sweat.

 

Vordenburg pulled out an item from one of the trash bags, a wrapped Valentine’s present that Laura had bought for Carmilla before they broke up.

 

“I am going to place each of these items in front of you, and I want you to concentrate on the memory they invoke. By doing this, we can create a memory map of all of your memories of Carmilla,” Vordenburg explained. LaFontaine adjusted a few dials on the computer connected to the chair, and Laura felt a slight vibration emanating from the helmet.

 

“There is a funny story about that gift, actually,” Laura began to say as Vordenburg removed it from the tray.

 

“Actually, Ms. Hollis, we get a better emotional read out if you refrain from any verbal recitation during this process. Just focus on the memories behind them.”

 

Laura frowned.

 

“Okay, next item,” Vordenburg said, and then withdrew a pair of lacey black underwear that Carmilla had left at Laura’s apartment. Laura immediately flushed and could not help but vividly remember every detail of those particular memories.

 

“I actually wouldn’t mind knowing the story behind those,” LaFontaine chuckled.

 

“Let’s just move on to the next item, shall we?” Vordenburg said.

 

LaFontaine continued to quickly type inputs into the computer, as the doctor placed item after item onto the silver tray.

 

“Next item.”

  
“Next item.”

 

“Next item. JP adjust the settings, please.”

 

Suddenly, LaFontaine’s typing grows deafening, and the edges of Laura’s vision goes dark. She abruptly finds herself in the waiting room of the Corvae offices, wearing her pajamas.

“What the what?” Laura says.

 

Just as quickly, she is back in the exam room with LaFontaine and Vordenburg.

 

“Oh, I am glad I made my way back here. Something weird is going on,” Laura began to say, but then she saw herself sitting in the leather chair.

 

Vordenburg said, “The real work begins tonight, but tomorrow you will wake up as if from a dreamless sleep, with no memories of the procedure or of Ms. Karnstein.”

 

Laura immediately knew that she had heard that exact phrase before.

 

“Oh, it is happening right now, isn’t it? You guys are already in my head, erasing,” She said.

 

Dr. Vordernburg, or at least this version of him in Laura’s memory, looked around and said, “Hmm yes, that sounds about right. This is about what it would look like.”

 

Suddenly, Laura is in the local bookstore where Carmilla works.

 

“Can I help you, miss?” Carmilla asks, looking incredibly bored.

 

Laura had just gaped at her, not believing that Carmilla was actually acting like she didn’t recognize her.

 

“Okay, let me know if you need anything,” Carmilla says, going back to her book.

 

The lights begin to flicker, and the bookshelves start to shimmer like asphalt on a hot day.

 

“JP, make sure the wires are connected completely. We aren’t getting a great read.”

  
Laura heard LaFontaine’s voice distantly. It sounded like it was coming from above her. Her vision began to fade again, and a noise like radio static causes Laura to fall to her knees, clutching her head.

 

“Jeez, be careful! Don’t fry her brain!”

 

“Sorry!” JP said as he popped up from beside Laura’s bed.

 

JP and LaFontaine are sitting at Laura’s bedside as she sleeps soundly. On their screen, detailed maps of Laura’s brain are displayed.

 

“Okay, looks like we have stabilized the images. We are back on track.” LaFontaine said, as they leaned back in their chair. They grinned at JP as they popped open a tab of energy drink.

  
“We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”


	4. Chapter 4

If pressed, Laura would not describe herself as someone who lives in the moment. She is usually always planning her next personal crusade, and her frenetic energy has caused no small amount of anxiety to herself or to anyone else who happened to be pulled into her orbit. Once, suddenly gripped with an existential crisis concerning whether she was missing out on life by focusing too much on the future, Laura frantically researched mindfulness techniques at three in the morning. She had always found comfort in the future. The brightness, the warmth, and the potential for something bigger and more wonderful were intoxicating to her.

 

Despite this, when Laura began to date Carmilla, she found a new appreciation for the present. Whenever Laura started to get swept up in her plans, Carmilla’s eyes, her smile, or the hitches in her breath when they kissed would drag her back to the present moment. One summer night, they were lying in Laura’s bed, only in their underwear. The air was heavy, and the ceiling fan only pushed the warmth around instead of cooling them. They still clung to each other despite the heat, and Laura traced circles on Carmilla’s stomach.

  
“Do you ever think about the clarity of the present?” Laura mumbled into Carmilla’s neck. There is no reason for her to speak so quietly, but it is dark in the bedroom, and the world outside is asleep. To talk in a normal speaking tone would disrupt the stillness to an unbearable degree.

 

“What to do you mean?” Carmilla whispers back, her eyes closed.

 

“Like, when you think about the past, the details aren’t so sharp, you know? Or when you take a picture or a video, it isn’t the same as living it. You never experience all the features of the moment the same as you do the first time.”

 

“I suppose you are right,” Carmilla murmured, and then she kissed the side of Laura’s head, “Makes the present all the more precious.”

 

Laura decided that even though she was re-living her memories of Carmilla while strapped into Dr. Vordenburg’s machine, they still had this hazy quality to them. Sometimes the details had an incongruity like dreams do, where logic doesn’t seem to apply.

 

For this reason, Laura knows that she is currently in a memory. Carmilla is sitting on the far end of the couch. She picks at a loose thread on the throw pillow as she actively avoids meeting Laura’s gaze. Laura sits in the chair across from her. The world appears to have narrowed to only include the two of them.

 

“This is the night we broke up,” Laura murmurs to herself. Vordenburg had told her that the memories would be erased in reverse chronological order. Other than seeing her in the bookstore, this night was the last time she saw Carmilla.

 

Carmilla’s eyes snap up to meet Laura’s gaze.

 

“I can’t do this any more, Laura.”

 

“Carm…”

 

“No, I can’t keep doing this when you keep looking at me like that.”

 

“Like what? What are you talking about?”

 

Carmilla sighed, and leaned forward so that her elbows are resting on he thighs. She drags her fingers through her hair.

 

“You look at me like I am going to save you. I know you think that if you have a perfect marriage like your parents that you’ll be happy, but I can’t do that for you.”

 

“Carm, I don’t want my parent’s marriage. I want you.”

 

“You don’t like me for who I actually am though, Laura. You like this impossible idea of me. I can’t be your hero. I just can’t be what you need,” Carmilla stands and starts to go to the hallway to get her coat. Laura follows her, but as she turns she corner, Carmilla isn’t there any more. Impossibly, she hears the front door slam.

 

“Wait, please,” Laura calls. She starts to run to the front door, but finds that her hallway has stretched endlessly, the same section repeating but never getting to the entryway of her apartment.

 

“God, this is a nightmare!” Laura yells, and then the walls of the hallway melt away, and she is back sitting on her couch. It is the night before their break up. Carmilla is next to her, eating out of a take out container of Chinese food. Laura looks down, and sees that she is also holding a box of lo mein. The TV is on, but Laura can’t make out any of the images on the screen. Carmilla looks pensive and distant.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Laura nudges Carmilla’s thigh with her own.

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“Are you sure? I just feel like things have been different after our talk the other day, and I really think we should discuss it because it is important we keep the avenues of communication open, you know, that’s really essential in a mature, healthy relationship,” Laura rambles, until Carmilla silences her with a look.

 

“Laura, stop okay? Talking a lot isn’t communicating.”

 

Laura’s mouth clamps shut. She doesn’t bring the topic up again for the rest of the evening.

 

Abruptly, the scenery changes, and they are no longer sitting on the couch in Laura’s apartment. Carmilla and Laura are walking on a busy street, their gloved hands clasped together. It is a freezing January day, but Laura doesn’t feel the cold in her memory. Despite this, she can still see her breath coming out in puffs as they stroll past storefronts. As they walk past a furniture store, Laura points out the display in the window.

 

“You know, I always had pictured our house in a similar style to this. Kind of clean and minimal, but cozy at the same time. What do you think?”

 

“Our house?” Carmilla frowns.

 

“Yeah. I mean, it is going to take awhile for us to save up, but I would like to have a house of our own.”

 

“Do you think we are ready for that?”

 

Laura stops and turns to face her girlfriend. She takes her free hand and clasps Carmilla’s.

 

“I don’t know if anyone is ever ready, really. I just know that whenever I think of the future, you are there.”

 

Carmilla smiles at her, but Laura notices that there is a kind of sadness behind it.

 

“Yeah, me too.” Carmilla whispers. They unclasp their hands and begin walking side by side again. Carmilla’s free hand fidgets at her side, and she suddenly has taken on a restless energy. If Mattie were here, she would say that Carmilla always gets that look when she is thinking about running away.


	5. Chapter 5

When Laura opens her eyes, it is similar to waking up from sleep, but the sensation is distinctly different. She is in her bed, but as she looks around her room, the features turn dull and hazy.

  
“Still in a memory,” Laura murmurs into the darkness.

 

A muffled groan next to her alerts her to the warmth pressing into her side. Carmilla has her arm and her leg wrapped tightly around Laura’s body. It must be early on a Sunday morning. That is the day that both women have off from work, so Carmilla will usually spend the night on Saturday so they can spend the next day together.

 

“Hey,” Carmilla rasps, voice still thick with sleep.

 

“Hey,” Laura says back, turning her head so that she mumbles the word into Carmilla’s hair.

 

“Any particular reason we are up at this ungodly hour?”

 

“We’re masochists, probably,” Laura answers.

 

Carmilla chuckles, and then shifts her body so that she is hovering over Laura.

 

“Part of being a masochist means there is pleasure involved with the pain. The least you can do is make being awake this early worth my while,” She murmurs, her breath warm on Laura’s lips.

 

On some level, Laura is aware that this is essentially not real. But, God, with Carmilla’s lips on hers it certainly feels like more than just a memory. Laura decides, for once, it is best to not overthink it. She pushes upward, flipping Carmilla onto her back and pinning her arms above her head with her own hands. Carmilla’s eyes widen slightly in surprise, but she quickly recovers and grins up at Laura.

 

“That’s more like it,” she murmurs, her head tilted up to provide access.

 

Laura presses slow kisses to Carmilla’s neck until she reaches her mouth, where she bites on her lower lip lightly. She presses her thigh into Carmilla’s center, causing her to moan. Carmilla’s starts to lift her arms up, but Laura pushes them back down into the mattress.

 

“You can look, but you can’t touch, Karnstein.”

 

Laura pulls up so that she is sitting on Carmilla’s stomach. She begins to unbutton the flannel shirt that she wore to bed. Carmilla obeys the no touching rule, her arms still lifted above her head, but her fingers twitch. Laura is not wearing a bra, and Carmilla’s hips cant upward as her breasts emerge as each button is unfastened. Once her shirt is off, Laura leans back down and kisses Carmilla deeply. Laura’s hands travel down to the hem of Carmilla’s sleep shirt, a faded Led Zeppelin tee. They rest there for a moment, until they begin travelling up her ribs and to the swell of Carmilla’s breast. Lifting her t-shirt, Laura kisses a trail from her chest to her stomach, and then down to Carmilla’s inner thigh.

 

“Laura,” Carmilla whimpers, and Laura looks up at her and beams.

 

“Say please,” she murmurs into Carmilla’s thigh.

 

“God, please.”

 

Laura pulls down her black panties, and Carmilla opens her legs wider. Laura plunges two fingers into her, causing Carmilla to throw her head backwards into the pillow; her hands fall and grasp Laura’s hair roughly. Laura continues to pump her fingers in and out, curling them upward. She keeps her pace, but crawls up Carmilla’s body to her face and kisses her. Soon, she feels tightness around her fingers, and she watches as Carmilla unravels underneath her. Laura slows her pace, allowing Carmilla to ride out her orgasm. She leans down and kisses her girlfriend deeply.

 

Light is beginning to stream in from the windows, so Laura pulls the blanket over their heads. They are both on their sides, facing each other, and their hands are entwined between them.

 

“Laura,” Carmilla whispers into the space between them.

 

“Yeah?”

  
“I’m happy here, with you.”

 

Laura smiles at her, but she doesn’t say anything. She rarely sees Carmilla like this. She is soft and open and so, so beautiful. Carmilla hardly ever allows herself to be vulnerable, but with the blanket blocking out the rest of the world, it gives her just enough strength to tear down her walls.

 

“It scares me because, when I lived with my foster mother,” Carmilla takes a shaky breath before continuing. “I accidentally broke one of her tea cups. I was trying to reach something in the cabinet, you know, and they were stacked and one fell.”

 

Laura is in rapt attention. She had never learned any details about Carmilla’s time in foster care.

 

“It was her favorite, I think. Or maybe not, she might have just said that to make me feel worse. But she said to me, ‘You ruin everything you touch.’ She told me I would never be happy, and I believed her. I believed that I deserve that. I still do, I guess.”

 

Laura cups Carmilla’s face, kissing away the tears that had begun to fall there.

 

“No Carm, you haven’t ruined anything, okay?” Laura is still kissing her. “You haven’t ruined anything.” She keeps repeating it like a mantra, keeps repeating it until she thinks Carmilla believes it herself.

 

“You’ve made me better,” Laura whispers, but Carmilla is no longer there to hear it.

 

“No, no, no. Let me keep this one, please! I want to keep this one,” Laura yells as she tries to crawl from underneath the blanket, but it expands endlessly.

 

When she finally is able to emerge, she finds herself in Carmilla’s bed. Carmilla is next to her, on her laptop as she researches grad school programs. She is wearing her glasses and holding a fresh mug of coffee.

 

“I can’t believe that the tuition for this one only costs an arm and a leg. What a bargain.”

 

“Carm, listen, we have to got to go. They are trying to erase you,” Laura pleads, getting up from the bed. She tugs on Carmilla’s arm. Carmilla barely has time to set down her coffee before they are running down the hall.

 

“Cupcake, what is going on? Why are we running?”

 

“We just have to go, okay?”

 

As they run, Laura recognizes flashes of memories. Briefly, they are in their favorite diner, but then they are whisked away to the train station. They are holding luggage.

 

“Oh hey, this is when we visited your cousins for Christmas,” Carmilla said, seemingly unaffected by Laura’s desperation. Their suitcases disappear, and soon enough fellow travellers begin to vanish.

 

“Come on, we have to go!”

 

Suddenly, they are in the woods. It is the time that Laura dragged Carmilla for an autumn hike. Cycling through the memories at such a fast clip has exhausted her, so Laura sits down on a log, her head in her hands.

 

“It’s no use, I can’t stop it.”

 

“Laura, just chill out. What’s going on?”

 

“You and I broke up, and I paid some sketchy doctor to erase my memories of you while I’m sleeping so that I wouldn’t have to live with them any more.”

 

If Carmilla is shocked by this news, she doesn’t show it. She takes a gloved hand, and turns Laura’s cheek to her.

 

“Cupcake, why would you do that?”

 

“I mean, you erased yours first,” Laura mutters.

 

Carmilla looks guilty.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why...”

 

“Listen, I don’t care why either of us decided to do it, okay? I just don’t care. I don’t care that keeping my memories means keeping the pain, because the good memories of us are the best I have. I need something good to hold onto.”

 

Carmilla runs a hand through her hair.

 

“Okay. It’s okay. You said you are asleep now, right? Have you tried waking up?” Carmilla pinches Laura’s arm, hard.

 

“Ow, stop!”

 

“Did it work?”

 

“No!”

 

“Sorry. I don’t see you coming up with any brilliant plans.”

 

Laura sighs, and then presses her index finger and thumb above her eyes, prying her eyelids apart. Nothing happens.

 

“Hey, they are only erasing memories of me, right? Maybe you can try and take me to a memory where I wouldn’t be. We can hide out there.”

 

“I can’t remember anything before you, Carm,” Laura sighs.

 

“Well, that is very sweet, but try, okay?”

 

Laura begins to concentrate. She decides that an early childhood memory would be best. She focuses on a memory when she was five or six. She wearing her yellow rain coat, and is pulling on her rubber rain galoshes.

 

“Be careful out there, Laur! Don’t slip and hit your head,” her father calls from the kitchen.

 

“I’ll be careful!” Laura rushes out the door before her father makes her wear a helmet. The rain is falling at a steady pace, and puddles are quickly forming. Laura turns her face to the sky, and closes her eyes as she focuses on the rain. She opens her eyes, and she is back in the woods with Carmilla, but storm clouds are beginning to form. As the rain falls, Laura laughs.

 

“It’s working! Come on!” Laura grabs Carmilla’s hand.

 

“You couldn’t have chosen a memory that was a little less wet?” Carmilla remarks. Her hair is clinging to the side of her face, but she is smiling. They are now both in the driveway of Laura’s childhood home. Laura is an adult, but she is wearing her yellow coat and rain boots. She laughs as she twirls in the rain. Carmilla stands and watches her. Laura stops and beams at Carmilla, holding out her hand. Carmilla grabs it, and they cling to each other in the rain.

 

 ==========================================================================================

 

“All I’m saying is that if it is possible, we owe it to scientific inquiry to explore every conceivable option,” LaFontaine states, tipping backward in their chair.

 

“Just because it is possible doesn’t mean we should bioengineer goats to serve us,” JP frowns. He is unsure how they even got into this conversation, but they are thoroughly engrossed. The computer deleting Laura’s memories has been operating on autopilot for the past two hours. Laura lies prostrate on her bed.

 

“It would be cool, though,” LaFontaine begins to say, when a loud beep from the machine nearly causes them to fall out of their chair.

 

“What does that mean?” JP asks.

 

“I don’t know,” LaFontaine’s brows furrow as they look at the screen in deep concentration, “Usually there is a straight-line path from memory to memory. You know, the map we made with the objects? But that’s disappeared.”

 

They both are staring at the computer, willing the memory map to rematerialize.

 

“Um, I think we need to call the doctor.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Yes, I have seen this before,” Dr. Vordenburg mutters as he types new inputs into the computer. He had rushed over to Laura’s apartment in the night after receiving a phone call from LaFontaine.

 

“What causes it?” LaFontaine asks as they peek over Vordenburg’s shoulder.

 

“I’m still doing research into that. My best working theory is that the subject becomes self-aware of the process, like during lucid dreaming,” Vordenburg states with a sigh, “I wish it happened more often, actually, so that I could learn more about the process.”

 

“How many times have you seen this?” JP asks as he peeks over Vordenburg’s other shoulder. Vordenburg glances on either side of him, and gestures to have the two research assistants stop crowding him. LaFontaine and JP each take a half step back from the screen.

 

“Maybe about half a dozen times. I always get them back on track though.”

 ========================================================================================

 

“Hey,” Laura pulls away from Carmilla just enough to look up at her, “Since we are here, you might as well take a tour of my childhood home.”

 

Laura leads Carmilla by the hand to the back door of the modest house. It is not very large, but the fresh coat of white paint and the flowers planted in the front yard indicate the care taken by its owners to maintain it. Laura carefully pulls open the door, which leads into a tiled entryway. She is not sure if mud will still make stains in a memory, but she takes off her boots anyway. Carmilla thinks this action is pointless, but she also takes off her own shoes. To ease her own sense of distaste for the inane, Carmilla tells herself that she does it out of reverence for the house that built the girl she loves.

 

They step lightly into the hall. As they walk, Laura’s fingertips trail the woodwork. On the doorframe leading to the laundry room, Laura points out pencil markings that crawl up the side of the entryway.

 

“This is my growth chart,” She says with a smile as she stands beside it as comparison.

 

“Cute. But also a sad reminder of how much you didn’t grow.”

 

“Shut up, you are only like an inch taller than me,” Laura scoffs as she leads Carmilla away and towards the center of the house.

  
“An inch makes a big differen-oof,” Carmilla starts to say before nearly knocking Laura over due to her sudden stop.

 

“This is how I always remember them,” Laura whispers, nodding towards the couch. The living room is cozy and warm. It is filled with pictures of smiling faces and knick-knacks from a life created by the two people asleep in front of the TV. Laura’s father, who reminds Carmilla of a hibernating bear, slumbers deeply with his wife nestled beside him.

 

“I would see them like this, and I would just think to myself, ‘What is all this fuss about finding happiness? Clearly it is right here in the living room.’”

 

Carmilla reaches out to grab Laura’s hand. Laura uses her free hand to wipe away tears that had begun to fall.

  
“I thought we had that too, Carm. It didn’t matter where we were. If I found you, I found that happiness.”

 

“Laura,” Carmilla grabs Laura’s shoulder so that they are facing each other, “Laura, listen to me. You are going to wake up in the morning, and you are going to find me and tell me all about us, alright?”

 

Laura sniffs, “Okay.”

 

They hear a loud crack as the wooden flooring beneath them snaps and breaks. The white paint on the wall begins to peel and turn grey as the tiny house starts to crumble around them.

 =========================================================================================

 

“Aha!” Vordenburg exclaims, pointing to a flashing red dot on the map of Laura’s brain, “Found her.”

 

“Why is she all the way over there?” LaFontaine asks.

 

“It seems to me that when the subject becomes conscious of the procedure, they have some control in manipulating it.”

 

“So,” LaFontaine begins slowly, “She was hiding?”

 

“It appears so,” Vordenburg murmurs distractedly as he types furiously into the computer’s interface.

  
JP and LaFontaine exchange a look of uneasiness.

  
“Does that mean that maybe she has changed her mind? That now she doesn’t want the procedure?” LaFontaine asks.

 

“Hmm, possibly,” Vordenburg answers, still staring at the pulsating dot that indicates Laura’s position in her memories.

 

“Well…should we stop?”

 

“Oh heavens no!” Vordenburg chuckles, “Who knows what stopping mid-procedure would do this young lass and her brain! Not to mention that I would have to give her a refund.”

 

Vordenburg chuckles at his joke, while JP and LaFontaine are both struck silent by the unsettling realization that they were perhaps sliding head first into a moral grey area.

 

=========================================================================================

 

Laura finds herself in a secluded corner of the independent movie theater. On her left, Carmilla is sitting and staring up at the screen in front them.

 

“Oh hell,” Laura huffs out in agitation.

 

Carmilla blinks, breaking out of her trance. “What’s wrong?” She asks.

 

“We are back in another memory of our relationship. This is the time you took me to that pretentious artsy movie.”

 

“Hey, it isn’t pretentious!” Carmilla huffed.

 

“We agreed to disagree on that point, if you remember, which you don’t!”

 

“Whatever. Let’s get back to the real issue. You have to hide us in another memory,” Carmilla states, giving Laura’s thigh a reassuring squeeze, “Maybe one that you try and not think about a lot.”

 

Laura leans her head back onto movie theater chair and closes her eyes, trying to visualize a memory. When she opens her eyes, both she and Carmilla are still sitting in their movie theater seats, but they are outside in front of a small white church. Carmilla can see that a funeral procession is walking from the church to the cemetery behind it. The day is sunny, but only serves to highlight the gloom on the funeral goers faces.

 

“Is this…?” Carmilla begins to ask.

 

“Yeah,” Laura nods and swallows thickly.

 

“You didn’t have to bring us here.”

 

“No, it’s okay. It isn’t something I like to think about, but it is nice to have you here with me this time. Makes it a little more bearable.”

 

“Do you want to tell me about her?”

 

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. She died when I was eight, but she was my dad and I’s whole world, you know? It is hard to describe that to someone,” Laura smiles wistfully, “but she loved to play games and bake, and her favorite flowers were daisies.”

 

Carmilla reached out and grabbed Laura’s hand.

 

“Your mom sounds nice,” She says as she kisses Laura’s palm.

 

“I cried when I realized I couldn’t remember what her voice sounded like. I asked my dad and he played me a voicemail he had saved. He kept everything related to her. He has a ticket stub to the movie they saw on their first date still,” Laura murmurs.

 

Carmilla wipes away the tears that are beginning to trail down Laura’s face, and holds her as the funeral proceedings continue around them. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

It feels like they stay there for an eternity, clinging to each other. The procession has moved on, the cemetery eerily quiet. 

Laura looks down at her feet, and sees the grass shimmering underneath. 

“Carm…”

Before she can finish her sentence, she finds herself staring face up at the sky. She and Carmilla are lying in a snow bank. 

“This is when we made snow angels at the park,” Laura sighs, “Vordenburg must have found us again.”

Carmilla props herself onto her elbow, and uses her other hand to touch Laura’s cheek. 

“Hey, listen, it’s okay. The important thing is that you keep trying. You have to think of another memory where he won’t find us. We just have to last until you wake up.”

Fresh tears begin falling from Laura’s eyes. They drip down her face slowly, and then disappear into the snow underneath. Her breaths come out in puffs as she breathes shakily. 

“I don’t think I have it in me any more, Carm. I think I have to give up.”

“Laura…”

“No!” Laura sits upright, “We wouldn’t even be in this situation if you hadn’t erased me! Why would you do that?”

“Laura, I don’t know why,” Carmilla’s lips are quivering, and her voice is shaking, “I can’t think of any reason why I would want to erase our memories together.”

Laura huffs, and starts to stand and brush off the snow on her pants. As she begins to walk towards the entrance of the park where they had been lying, the pathway stretches impossibly before her. Laura looks behind her, and Carmilla is just a dot on the horizon. When she finally makes it around the corner, she finds herself right back to where Carmilla is. 

“Oh my god, and this stupid freaking dream logic is killing me,” Laura yells, throwing her hands up in frustration. 

“Cupcake…”

Suddenly they are back in the bookstore. Carmilla is putting back books with a bored look on her face.

Laura recognizes this memory. It is soon after she and Carmilla first met. 

“We must be getting closer,” Laura mutters to herself.

Despite what she knows, Laura still feels compelled to act out the memory as it happens. 

“Hey, do I know you?” 

Carmilla glances up, annoyed initially, but then her lips curl into a smirk.

“Oh yes, if it isn’t the prissy reporter.”

“Excuse me,” Laura scoffs, “Like it is any better to be a snarky retail worker?”

“I wouldn’t classify myself as that.”

“You wouldn’t?” Laura asks, her curiosity getting the best of her. 

“No, that would be far too depressing. I like to think I’m aspiring to something greater.” Carmilla’s tone is biting, but she her expression belies the fear in her statement. 

“Listen, I didn’t come here to fight. I just wanted to apologize for how things ended at the beach.”

“Sweetheart, I’m just looking for my own piece of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”

Laura’s smiles, “I remember that speech really well. I should have listened to you.”

Carmilla grins back, “I was too harsh on you.” 

She places a book into Laura’s hands. She kisses Laura’s cheek, and whispers into her ear.

“This story isn’t over yet, Laura. Please don’t give up on me.” 

Carmilla’s breath on Laura’s cheek turns into a stiff breeze. Laura looks down and sees her feet covered in sand. 

“Laura, all I’m saying that if we have to be here for your work thing, the least we can do is play some beach volleyball,” Danny whines beside her, “I’m going to be bored.”

“Danny, it’s going to be fine! I have a couple of cute co-workers that you might be interested in,” Laura wiggles her eyebrows up at her.

They walk closer and closer to the crowd of people surrounding the smattering of beach chairs and coolers. 

“Um, is that one of them? Cause if so, then pass. Who wears leather pants to the beach?”

Carmilla is sitting underneath an umbrella, reading a book. 

“I think that is my bosses’ sister, actually,” Laura states, utterly transfixed by the girl. Before she knows it, she has left Danny’s side, and finds herself plopping down next to the girl. Carmilla does not even look up from her book. 

“Hey, I’m Laura,” she says as she reaches out her hand to Carmilla, “I don’t think we’ve met.”

Carmilla pulls down her sunglasses just far enough so that she can look over the top of them.

“I don’t think we have. I would remember a pretty face like yours. But if you don’t mind, I’m in the middle of something.”

Laura scoffs, “Oh please, what are you reading that is so engrossing that you can’t talk to anyone?” 

Laura tilts the cover, and then laughs loudly.

“Pride and Prejudice? Really?”

“It’s a good book,” Carmilla says flatly.

“I just didn’t take you for the romantic type. You’re all dark eyes and tight pants. I would have guessed that Wuthering Heights would be more your thing.”

Carmilla shuts her book suddenly. “Don’t act like you know anything about me, okay?” 

Carmilla gets up to leave, leaving a stunned Laura in her wake. 

“Carm, wait!” 

Carmilla turns around as Laura quickly closes the distance between them. 

“This is the end, Carm. This is how we met.”

“Don’t you mean this is the beginning?”

Laura smiles sadly, “After this I won’t remember you at all. We had a lot of good times, Carm. I think it would be different if we gave it another go. I wouldn’t have let you go the first time we met, and I definitely wouldn’t have let you go the last time either. ” 

Carmilla smiles, and places her hand on Laura’s cheek. Laura turns into it, placing her lips onto Carmilla’s palm. “Try your best to remember me. Maybe we can try again.”

As the landscape melts away, it becomes dark. Just as Laura’s vision goes completely black, she hears Carmilla’s voice.

“Meet me at Wasaga beach.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long it took for this update! I think there is just one more chapter left. Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Vordenburg leans back in his chair, and smiles triumphantly.

“Well team, we did it! It seems that the procedure was a success, and that Ms. Hollis will not remember Ms. Karnstein in the slightest when she wakes up.” 

Vordenburg looks at his watch, “Goodness, which will be quite soon! I am going to go catch some shut eye. I suggest you both do the same. Would you mind packing up the equipment before you both leave?” 

“Sure thing, Dr. V,” Laf says with a salute.

Dr. Vordenburg slides on his winter coat and then quickly shuffles out of Laura’s apartment. As soon as the door shuts, Laf and JP look at each other.

“Dude, we have to do something,” Laf says.

“What can we do? I don’t want to get fired.” 

“Me either. Grad school doesn’t pay for itself,” Laf muses, “But I don’t think this girl wanted to go through with the procedure.”

“We can’t possibly know that for certain though,” JP says as he tries to carefully pack an extension cord, “Maybe we could do something to give her a chance to make the choice again?”

“JP! You’re a genius!” LaFontaine yells as they race towards the door, leaving JP and equipment behind. 

===================================================

Laura wakes up from her sleep like an anchor being pulled to the surface of the water. Her head is pounding, and the alarm on her phone is being way too loud. She groans as she shuts it off.

“What happened last night?” She grumbles.

Laura moves slowly through her routine. As she heats up the water for her French press, she pops a couple of aspirin. She decides to forgo her normal yoga routine due to her throbbing headache. 

Mercifully, the water finishes boiling, and Laura is able to have her first cup of coffee of the day. As she sips, she checks her email. 

“Oh geez,” She mutters as she sees an email from her boss. 

From: MBel@torontostar.com  
To: Lhollis@torontostar.com

Sub: (No subject)

Hollis,

I need you to take the 12:30 train to Wasaga Beach for your next article. You can pick up your ticket at Will Call. Try and find something interesting. 

~MB

Sent from my iPhone

Laura sighed.

“I can’t wait until I get to the point in my career when I just shoot off emails without agonizing over them. No subject line, sent from my iPhone. That’s how I know that I have really made it,” She angrily murmured to no one in particular. 

“It’s fine,” Laura continued to grumble as she pulled on a sweater, “I didn’t have any plans. Certainly wasn’t planning on watching all of the Harry Potter movies in one sitting while nursing this raging headache.” 

After washing her face, doing her make up, and throwing her hair up into a bun, Laura did a quick mirror check and rushed out the door to make her train. 

===================================================

Laura takes a seat in an empty portion of the train. As she settles, she pulls her notebook out of her bag. She briefly wonders why it looks like portions of it are ripped out, but she ultimately flips to the next blank page and tries to begin brain storming for article ideas.

“What on earth to write. It isn’t even close to summer. There would be no possible reason to visit here now.” 

Laura taps her pen on her chin as she watches the dreary landscape pass. She scrawls on the page- what do the locals do in the winter? 

The door to the passenger car opens, and a gorgeous woman stalks in and quickly takes the closest window seat to the door. She opens her bag and pulls out a book.

Laura tries to ignore the intrusion and think about more article ideas, but she cannot stop looking at the new passenger. She seems familiar, but Laura can’t place where they may have met. It certainly didn’t seem like they would travel in the same social circles. Before she can stop herself, Laura finds herself walking towards the stranger.

“Hell is other people.” 

The stranger fixes her with an intense stare, and Laura begins to think this was a terrible idea because oh geez, she is even prettier up close. She presses on anyway. 

“Jean-Paul Sartre, right? Your book? No Exit. Sorry to bother you. Do you mind if I sit here?” She says as she plops down next to the stranger. 

“My name is Laura,” she says, sticking out her hand. 

===================================================

 

Before either of the two women realize, they reach their station. They had been thoroughly engrossed in conversation up until that point. As the train rolls to a stop, Laura moves to stand up and gather her bag.

“Carmilla, this has been,” She pauses, trying to think of the right word, “…nice.”

“Nice?” Carmilla smirks. 

Laura nods and smiles, “Yeah.”

Carmilla stands up as well, and faces her. For a moment, the two just look at each other. Each feel a strange sort of déjà vu. Laura can’t help but feel a pull towards the stranger, not unlike a magnetic force. 

They finally manage to break free of each other’s gaze and leave the train.

“Hey, listen,” Laura starts, “I have never been here before, and I don’t want to get lost, and I really have no idea where to begin for this story I’m writing, and I was wondering if…”

“Laura, chill out before you bust a vein. I’ll walk with you.”

Laura smiles, “Yeah? Great! I mean, only if you didn’t have anything else you had to do. Or someone to meet?”

“Nope. You can have me all to yourself, cutie,” Carmilla tries to look disaffected, but she glances out of the side of her eye to see if the pet names were working for her. It was difficult to tell if the flush on Laura’s cheeks were from the nickname or the blustery wind that was hitting them as they began walking from the train station. 

“What brings you to the beach in the dead of winter anyway?” Laura asks.

Carmilla sighs, stuffing her hands into her pockets. “It was my sister’s idea. She thinks I’ve been particularly directionless and apathetic lately. I guess she thinks that the ocean is going to give me some sort of epiphany or something.”

“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.” 

Carmilla glances over at the reporter. “Who said that?”

“I don’t remember actually,” Laura muses, “But I’ve always liked that quote. I do think the ocean can be very healing.”

Carmilla nods, but says nothing. They have been steadily walking towards the water front. The soil has gotten progressively sandier, and the breeze stiffer. They reach the boardwalk and traverse the dune until they are walking along the water. Carmilla briefly stops to pick up a particularly pretty sea shell, and gives it to Laura. Laura smiles and thanks her before putting it into her coat pocket. 

“So, why are you here?” 

“My boss told me to come here to try and figure out something to write about,” Laura looks around, “But that is going to be tough. It is pretty dead around here.”

Carmilla shrugs, “You could write about me.”

“Wow, arrogant, are we?” Laura laughs, and gently pushes into Carmilla’s shoulder.

“What, like I’m not the most interesting thing around here? Please.” 

“Oh, you are. I find you very interesting,” Laura says quietly.

Carmilla had been trying to tease the other girl, but she looks up a little surprised.

“Is that so?” 

Both girls stop walking and face each other. Carmilla’s gaze is heavy, but Laura meets it.

“Yes. In fact, I think you are the most interesting person I have ever met.” 

Even Laura is a little surprised by the forthrightness of her statement, but she doesn’t drop her gaze.

Carmilla clears her throat lightly, dispelling the heavy tension. 

“Are you hungry?”

===================================================

After a nice lunch at an empty restaurant in the nearby sleepy seaside town, Carmilla and Laura walk back to the train station and take the next train back into the city. They manage to cover a lot of ground. Laura learns that Carmilla works at one of her favorite book stores. 

“It’s amazing I haven’t seen you there before,” she had said, “I would think I would have noticed you.”

Carmilla had raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.

Laura also learned that Carmilla had a degree in philosophy and was thinking about going to grad school. She also learned that Carmilla hardly said more words than what was necessary, so Carmilla ended up learning much more about Laura during their conversations.

Before they knew it, they had made it back downtown, and to the entrance of Laura’s apartment building. 

“So,” Laura begins, gesturing to the entryway, “This is me.”

“Okay. Well, this has been…” Carmilla starts.

“Nice?”

“Yeah,” Carmilla smiles, “Maybe I will see you around?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Carmilla begins to turn and walk away. Laura watches as she almost makes it to the crosswalk ahead. Every fiber in her body is screaming at her to act, but she feels rooted to the spot. Finally, Laura wills herself able to move.

“Carm! Wait!” She jogs up to where Carmilla had walked. 

“Yeah, cupcake?”

“Would you like to maybe come inside?” 

Carmilla grins, “I thought you’d never ask.” 

===================================================

 

It takes her three tries to get open her door because her hands are shaking, but Laura finally manages to turn the lock. 

“This is me,” She says, suddenly very self-conscious and wishing she had picked up more before she left. Laura fidgets and tries to see the other girl’s reaction.

“Cute.” 

“Oh thanks. Yeah, I got most of this stuff second hand anyway. Some gifts from my dad too.”

“I wasn’t talking about the apartment, cupcake,” Carmilla says, as she cups Laura’s cheek. She pulls the reporter into a searing kiss. It sends shockwaves through both girls. It is the kind of kiss that leaves you aching with the possibility of more. Laura is struck by the familiarity of it despite it being their first.

They pull apart.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Carmilla smirks, as she goes in for another kiss. They begin to walk backwards toward Laura’s couch, when Laura steps on, and nearly slips on, something on the floor. 

“Oh, sorry!” She says, picking up the offending item. It is a lumpy manila envelope addressed to her. She looks at it puzzled for a second.

“I’m not sure what this is.”

Carmilla looks at it disinterestedly for a split second, before beginning to kiss up Laura’s neck.

“Maybe it can wait?” She purrs. 

Laura desperately wants it to wait, but her curiosity wins out over her sex drive. 

“Sorry Carm, it might be something important.”

Laura walks over to the couch and sits down to open it, while Carmilla follows close behind. 

When she finally lifts the flap, she finds a note inside written by what looks like a sentient chicken.

Laura squints at it. “I can barely read this. Can you?” 

Carmilla takes it and, after giving it a hard look, begins to read.

“Ms. Hollis,

You recently underwent a procedure through our company, Corvae Inc. where we removed painful memories. It became apparent during the procedure that maybe you changed your mind. I wanted to return some of your items to you, as well as the tapes from our session. I wanted to give you the option to make new memories like the ones you lost.

Please don’t tell my boss.

Laf”

 

“What the what,” Laura breathes, as she pours out the contents of the envelope.

Out comes several sheets of paper, a small stuffed bear, and a lacey pair of black underwear. Carmilla is slightly concerned that they look an awful lot like a pair that she lost awhile ago. However, that soon becomes the least of her worries when a small photograph flutters out. It clearly shows Carmilla, kissing Laura’s cheek while Laura beams at the camera. 

Both girls stare at it.

“Is this some sort of joke?” Carmilla’s words are cold. “It isn’t funny.”

“What? No! I promise you, I have no idea what is going on!” 

“Am I supposed to know who you are?!” 

“I don’t know!” Laura throws up her hands, her headache from this morning coming back in full force. When she shifts her arms, a small tape comes out of some of the papers that were in her lap. It has “L. Hollis, 02/22/2015” written in black sharpie.

“Just yesterday,” Laura murmurs as she runs her fingers along the label. She then quickly reaches into her bag and pulls out the tape recorder that she uses for interviews. She pops out the old tape and inserts the new one in. Once she rewinds it to the beginning, they hear an unfamiliar voice.

“Do you mind telling me the reason for today’s visit?”

A pause, and then unmistakable, Laura’s voice: 

“My name is Laura Hollis, and I am here to erase Carmilla Karnstein.”

Laura quickly presses the stop button, and flings the recorder to the end of the couch like it burned her.

The two girls look at each other.

“I knew you…and I erased my memories of you?” Laura mumbles.

“That is what it looks like, sweetheart. But if that is that case, how come I don’t remember you either?” 

Laura shuffles through the contents of the envelope. When she doesn’t find anything new, she reaches inside the envelope and pulls out another small tape. On the label is “C. Karnstein, 01/02/2017”. 

“AHA! You erased me first, you jerk!” 

Carmilla stares at the tape with wide eyes.

“But, how is that possible? Why would I do that?”

Laura, seeing how distressed the other woman is, grabs her hand. 

“Maybe we should listen to the tapes, Carm.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I think we have one more chapter left to go. Thank you so much for reading this far!


	9. Chapter 9

Laura takes off her coat, and reaches out to Carmilla to take hers as well.

“We might be here a little bit. Might as well make ourselves comfortable. Do you want anything to eat or drink? Coffee?” 

Carmilla shrugs off her coat and hands it to the girl. “Coffee would be great, actually.”

Laura places both coats on the hook, and then makes her way to the kitchen. Carmilla hears several loud bangs as the reporter moves around.

Carmilla begins to shift through the items that were included in the envelope. She lands on some of the papers that were folded up inside. They look like they were ripped out a notebook. She unfolds them and begins to read.

> 12/29/16
> 
> I think I made a mistake. I mentioned moving in together and the future to Carm. She got that faraway look that she gets sometimes. I know she doesn’t like talking about that sort of stuff, but it isn’t like it is unexpected. She practically lives at my house anyway, and if she isn’t here then I’m at her place. 
> 
> Carm made an excuse to stay at her apartment tonight without me, and it seems like her replies to my texts are distant or something. I hope it’s all in my head.

The next entry is scrawled like Laura’s hand couldn’t keep up with the amount of thoughts in her head.

> 01/14/17
> 
> I haven’t spoken to Carmilla since we broke up last week. I wanted to try and give her space because she always shuts down when I try and communicate with her about stuff, and I wanted to allow her some time to think. Honestly, I knew she was emotionally immature, but when I went into the bookstore, she acted like she didn’t even know me!!! I can’t believe she would do that. I can’t believe she would throw away all we had. I can’t believe I let her walk away the night we broke up.
> 
> It’s late now, but I’m going to go to Danny’s tomorrow to try and figure this out. 

Carmilla swallows thickly, and has the odd sensation of feeling incredibly guilty for doing something that she doesn’t remember. She puts down the journal entries and picks up the picture. Laura walks back into the living room, and places down two mugs onto the coffee table, as well as a half empty package of cookies.

“I didn’t know how you take your coffee?”

“Black is fine, unless you happen to have soy milk?”  
Laura chuckles, but moves to go to the refrigerator anyway. 

“I assure you that I don’t have soy milk,” She calls out, “But maybe I have something else that- oh!”

Laura sheepishly walks out with a carton of soy milk. 

“I don’t remember buying this.”

Carmilla smiles, and takes it from her hands. 

“Maybe we bought it together? But I’m still not sure if I buy this story. I have been trying see if you maybe photoshopped this picture,” She mutters, waving the photo at Laura.

“Oh please!” Laura scoffs, “Like I have nothing better to do but to try and trick you in some elaborate scheme. Why would I even do that?”

“I don’t know. To try and get into my pants?”

“I have never had to work that hard,” Laura laughs, but both girls are struck by the familiarity of the wording. To ease the slight disquiet, Laura grabs the photo.

“We look happy, Carm.”

“Yeah, we do.” 

“Are you ready to listen the tapes?”

“Yeah. Can we listen to yours first?”

Laura nods, rewinds the tape already in the player, and presses play. 

“Do you mind telling me the reason for today’s visit?” The unfamiliar man’s voice rings out once again.

“My name is Laura Hollis, and I am here to erase Carmilla Karnstein.”

“Why don’t you tell me more about Carmilla?” The man asks. 

“Where to begin? Well, we met through mutual friends at a party at Wasaga Beach. I definitely can’t say it was love at first sight, but there was an immediate…connection maybe? Passion? I don’t know.” 

Carmilla pauses the tape.  
“Wait, I thought you hadn’t been to the beach before today?”

Laura shrugs, “I don’t know! Memory loss, remember? I guess the last time was with you.”

Carmilla nods, and then presses play again. 

“Carmilla and I have been dating for about a year and half now. For the most part, it has been really good, and we’ve been happy. Carm can be tough to get close to. She had a difficult childhood that she doesn’t talk about much. And, I guess I freaked her out when I told her that when I picture the future, I only see her.”

Laura and Carmilla watch the tape as it revolves, being careful not to catch each other’s eyes. 

“It’s funny,” Laura on the tape continues, “The first time I met her, I offended her by making assumptions about her. I regretted letting her walk away like that. But, then I didn’t learn, and I made assumptions that what she wanted was what I wanted, and I let her walk away again.”

You can hear Laura sniff on the tape.

“Now, she has gone and erased me from her life. And if she can take the easy way out, then I want that too.”

“Thank you, Ms. Hollis. That should be enough.”

Laura clears her throat, and shifts on the couch as she takes out her tape from the recorder. 

“This is…uh,” She says, “A little intimate for a first date, huh?”

Carmilla shrugs, avoiding her gaze. “I’m sorry I erased you first.”

Laura looks over, panicked. “No! I’m sorry I erased you. It was clearly reactionary. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wish I could remember.” 

Carmilla still hasn’t met her gaze. Laura cups her cheek, and lightly tilts her head towards her.

“Hey, it’s alright. We met each other again. That has to count for something, right?”

“Yeah. It does.” 

Laura drops her hands, but places one on top of Carmilla’s, and gives it a light squeeze.

“Are you ready for your tape?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Laura places the second tape into the recorder and presses play.

“Do you mind telling me the reason for today’s visit?”

“My name is Carmilla Karnstein. I want to erase all memories of my relationship with Laura Hollis. 

“Why don’t you tell me more about Laura?” Vordenburg prompted.

“Laura is,” Carmilla pauses, clearly thinking, “Laura is ambitious. Stubborn. She tries too hard sometimes, which is annoying. She tries to make me try more, which is annoying. But it is beautiful how she never gives up. She is…the love of my life.”

Laura gasps quietly on the couch. Carmilla is dumbfounded, desperately trying to remember saying those words. 

Vordenburg clears his throat on the tape, “Would you mind explaining a little more the reason for today’s erasure?”

“Laura likes making plans. And I love that about her. I just feel like she would be better off making those plans without me.”

Carmilla continues, “I can’t live with these memories, though. So I am erasing them so that I can live without her, and so that Laura can have a chance of a normal life.”

“Thank you, Ms. Karnstein. We can head to the room now.”

Silence fills the room as the tape ends. The girls turn to face each other.

“Laura, I’m so…”

Laura cuts her off with a searing, desperate kiss. It starts as urgent, but then slows as Laura pulls back.

“To hell with normal. I’ve never wanted a normal life. I want to give us another chance, Carm.”

Carmilla breathes out, head spinning from the kiss and from all of the new information.  
“Laura, I’m sorry for erasing you. It was selfish. But, if we try again, what makes you think it won’t end just as badly? Or worse? Clearly, all I did was hurt you.” 

“I don’t care. I let you walk away before, and then I tried to erase you, but I don’t want to make that mistake again.”

Carmilla doesn’t say anything, still unsure.

“Listen,” Laura says, hands travelling down to rest on Carmilla’s arms, “If I know anything, I know that life is what you make of it.”

Carmilla nods, and says, “You know, as far as I can tell, I still have every single painful memory from my childhood. Every single memory of abuse, all of the torture from my mother,” She swallows thickly, while Laura’s grip on her arms tighten, “So the fact that I thought I could live with those memories but not with the memories of you, knowing what I would be missing…I think that means something.”

Laura pulls her into her arms, her hand grasping the back of Carmilla’s head. They cling to each other for what feels like forever. Finally, they pull away.

Laura is the first to break the silence. 

“Life is full of chances for regret or for mistakes. What do you say, Carm? Take a second chance on me?”

Carmilla reaches her thumb to swipe away the tear tracks still left on the other woman’s face.

“Yeah, okay,” Carmilla shrugs, “I mean, you are pretty cute.”

Laura laughs as she pulls Carmilla in for another kiss. The feeling is not unlike standing on the edge of a precipice, uncertain of whether you are going to fall or not. 

Despite this, both girls know for certain that they would never forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally complete! After almost a year! Thank you to everyone who has read and commented. Let me know what you think and if you liked it :)


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